No One Succeeds Alone: Supporting Young People Without Taking Over

By Jason Smith, Founder & Executive Director, Soleful Kicks

Our First Instinct Is Often to Help

When we see a young person struggling, our natural instinct is usually to help.

As parents, teachers, coaches and mentors, we want young people to succeed. When we see them making a mistake, falling behind or becoming frustrated, it can be difficult to stand on the sidelines. We have experience. We may see the solution before they do. Sometimes it seems much easier, and less frustrating, to simply tell them what to do.

But helping a young person succeed and solving the problem for them are two very different things.

This is one of the challenges of working with young people. We want to provide enough support that they don’t feel like they are facing everything alone, while also giving them enough space to struggle, make decisions, experience setbacks and sometimes even fail. As the Aerosmith song goes, “You got to lose to know how to win.”

Finding that balance isn’t always easy and sometimes it can be flat out scary.

Support Without Taking Over

Think about learning to ride a bike.

At first, someone may run beside you with a hand on the seat. They help you balance, remind you to keep pedaling and probably catch you a few times when things don’t go as planned.

Eventually, however, they have to let go.

The goal was never to become really good at holding onto the bicycle. The goal was to help you learn to ride it yourself. And in the process, both the young person and the adult begin learning to trust that they can do it.

Mentorship can work much the same way.

A mentor can provide encouragement, perspective and accountability, but the young person still needs to own the goal. When the goal belongs to them, they have a reason to be invested in it. They need the opportunity to make decisions, solve problems and sometimes make mistakes.

If an adult provides every answer, the young person may reach the immediate goal, but we may have missed an opportunity to help them develop the skills needed for the next one.

Sometimes helping means stepping back and resisting the urge to fix everything and, in the process, clear every obstacle.

Ask More. Tell Less.

Adults have a tendency to give advice.

We do it because we have experience and because we genuinely want to help. But there are times when a good question may be more valuable than good advice.

Instead of:

“Here’s what you need to do.”

Try:

“What do you think your next step should be?”

Instead of:

“Why didn’t you do what you said you were going to do?”

Try:

“What got in the way?”

These questions do something important. They require the young person to think and, at the same time, force the mentor to listen.

Listening can be just as important as telling.

These questions also change the conversation. The adult is no longer the person with all the answers and the young person isn’t simply waiting to be told what to do. They begin working through the problem together.

That doesn’t mean mentors should never offer advice. Experience matters. Guidance matters. There are times when a young person genuinely needs direction. We have all been there. It’s an essential part of growing up.

But perhaps our first response doesn’t always have to be an answer.

Sometimes it can simply be another question or maybe even silence.

Let Them Experience the Struggle

This may be one of the hardest parts of supporting young people and parenting.

Struggling makes adults, especially parents, uncomfortable.

When we care about someone, we naturally want to protect them from disappointment. But some of life’s most important lessons come from things not going exactly as planned.

A missed deadline can teach something about preparation. A disappointing grade can start a conversation about study habits. A goal that wasn’t reached can lead to a better goal the next time.

The important part isn’t avoiding every setback — that’s frankly impossible. It’s helping a young person learn what to do after one. Growing and learning in the process.

There is a difference between allowing a young person to struggle and allowing them to struggle alone.

A mentor can be there without immediately removing the obstacle. They can help a young person understand what happened, think through their options and decide what they want to do next, perhaps offering some guardrails when necessary.

That process can be uncomfortable. It can also be where some of the most important growth occurs.

Consistency Goes Both Ways

Last month, we wrote about the importance of consistency and routine for young people, particularly as they returned to school.

But consistency isn’t something we should only expect from them.

If we’re asking a young person to show up, follow through and keep trying, the adults supporting them should model those same behaviors.

That doesn’t require hours of mentoring every week or constant communication. Sometimes consistency is simply remembering.

“How did that test go?”

“Did you try what we talked about last week?”

“How are you feeling about that goal now?”

Those questions communicate more than curiosity. They tell a young person that someone listened the first time and they care. That attention alone can be so impactful for a youth.

And sometimes showing up consistently matters even when there isn’t much to say.

Not every conversation between a mentor and a young person is going to be profound. Most probably won’t be. Trust is often built through ordinary conversations and small moments repeated over time.

The value may not be in saying exactly the right thing.

It may simply be in coming back and showing up.

The Goal Still Belongs to the Young Person

This idea is important to the way we approach our work at Soleful Kicks.

A young person chooses a goal and works toward it over ten weeks with support from a mentor. That mentor can encourage, ask questions, celebrate progress and help the young person think through setbacks.

But the mentor doesn’t accomplish the goal.

If the goal is academic, the young person does the work. If it’s related to attendance, behavior, health or personal development, the young person makes the choices. When something doesn’t go as planned, they are part of figuring out what comes next.

The young person does the work. The mentor walks alongside them while they do it.

That distinction matters, probably more than we realize.

Our work with the UNC School of Social Work helped us identify four simple ideas we want young people to experience through Soleful Kicks:

I can set goals.

I can make progress.

I can keep going.

I have someone supporting me.

While these statements may appear simple on the surface, they reflect important areas of youth development that emerged through our work with UNC.

And there’s an important balance in those statements.

The first three begin with “I.”

The fourth reminds the young person they don’t have to do it alone.

Knowing When to Let Go

Just like in parenthood, a good mentor wants a young person to eventually need them less.

That may sound strange, but independence should be part of the goal.

At first, a mentor may provide reminders. Eventually, the young person remembers.

At first, the mentor may ask what the next step is. Eventually, the young person begins asking themselves.

At first, encouragement may come from someone saying, “I know you can do this.” Eventually, we hope that voice becomes internal:

“I know I can do this.”

That’s growth.

No one succeeds completely alone. All of us need people who encourage us, challenge us and occasionally help us find our way.

But the best support doesn’t create dependence. It helps build confidence.

As mentors, parents, teachers and coaches, we don’t have to carry young people across every finish line. Sometimes our most important role

 is simply helping them realize they are capable of taking the next steps to cross it themselves.